‘Twas a Long Night Before Pepto-Bismol #PinkRelief
I try to embrace every aspect of a healthy and fit lifestyle that I can. That means for the most part I try very hard to limit my intake of sugary, buttery, oily, and indulgent foods. I don’t live off of grilled chicken breasts and brown rice exclusively, but I try my best to eat clean, home-made food, especially in front of my children.
All of that discipline, along with my willpower, went hurtling through the window as soon as the Christmas season hit and my wife spent an entire weekend baking holiday goodies.
“How does this taste?”
“Dan, I need you to poison check this cookie.”
“Does this need more seasoning?”
Now, that’s not to say I mind being her taste tester, but what ended up happening as a result of having several dozen cookies and multiple pounds of fudge in the house, plus the return of peppermint mocha season at the coffee shop near my work, is that my stomach was none too happy with the sudden change in my diet.
I tried correcting the err of my ways with a lot of water and vitamins, but still, the heartburn and overall NOPE of my digestive system told me, ’twas the season of unhappy guts. That’s when Pepto-Bismol came to the rescue!
One recent, uncomfortable night, in a rare moment of clarity in between digestive warning shots, I thought of this Christmas poem, with a twist:
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
My gut was a-rumbling, warning explosions in the south;
The kitchen was filled with tasty things to share,
With hopes that hungry eaters soon would be there;
The children had been cut off, and sent off to bed;
While I lay there and wondered, “What got into my head?”;
My wife with her mom voice, and I in my shame;
Could tell that I made a horrible mistake;
When out of my stomach there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the fridge door and threw aside the left over mash.
The moon on the window covered in new-fallen rain,
Gave a luster of midday with no stomach pain,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a shiny new bottle of Pepto, behind the beer.
With hands all a tremble but deft nonetheless,
I knew in a moment this aching would pass.
More rapid than stomach acid shooting up my throat,
I threw open my mouth, and chugged, and shouted out loud:
“Now sip away, chug away, chew away, all!
With liquid! Or chewables! Or instacool tablets!
At the top of the porch! Or anywhere you need #PinkRelief!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away runs!”
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Disclosure: The good folks at Pepto-Bismol sent me free product samples and compensated me for writing about my experiences in this post. My opinions and self-inflicted holiday stomach issues are my own.